"Mommy. . . Look at Him"

This morning I woke up, got ready and just before I headed upstairs to grab the boy, I peeked outside and saw snow falling. I stopped and stared for a moment remembering the sweet moments with Alexa in the snow. I bundled us up and headed out the door. I told him it was snowing and wasn't that cool! We drove for a while listening to music (which we normally don't do) and I got lost in thought.

As we pulled into his school, a song came on that I hadn't heard before. Some of the lyrics were, "and I need you now". I listened to those words thinking of my girl and looked in the rear view mirror at my son. He was sitting in the backseat staring out the window in awe of the fluffy white goodness falling down with a gaze on his face that only children can possess.

I smiled and an intense Alexa feeling overwhelmed me. I heard her say to me, "Mommy. . . Look at him. He's my brother and you love him. You love me through him too." My eyes filled with tears and I parked the car, pulled him to the front seat and held him tight. The song still played, "I need you now." I sat and cried with my darling son in my arms and reminded myself of how much I love that sweet little guy of mine. Sometimes through my grief, I forget what blessings we DO have.

Thank you, sweet girl for telling me exactly what I needed to hear. I love you. Thank you for helping me find the light to crawl myself out of this valley I have been in.

Look at this funny picture of "brother". He is so fun. We felt you near us tonight when we were playing at home. We wish we could see both of you playing together. I know you still visit him because he looked for you today at the store when I mentioned you. He talks about "Fefa" all the time and knows all your pictures, even those from when you were a baby! You can see him doing that in the video. It's really cool. We can't wait to be able to tell him more about you.

Thank you for staying close to him. He needs his guardian angel always. I love you, darling girl. I wish I could see your face again and tell you that . . . even just one more time.

Hollow

The second year really is turning out to be . . . .well I'm not sure if it is harder, but it is very different. So here it is again. Another holiday without her. We spent last year figuring out what traditions to do for her and now this year there is nothing new. Nothing but updating the grave blanket and letting it sink in that this is as good as it gets. She is never coming back. It is so wrong that this is the closest Zachary gets to taking a picture with his "sis-a".
We put more hot pink in it this year. Seems fitting- she is getting older and she needed some sparkles in it too. We brought her a new picture to display. Her little smiling face melts us every time.
This is Zachary "neaning" the bench for her. He is such a good helper.

This is the rock lil Z brought "Fessa" as a gift. He was very adamant about it, so we left it there and laughed at him. We told Alexa that she probably thought it was funny too. If you think about it, a coveted rock is about the biggest compliment a little boy could give. Haha.
The other day Z was playing with this light saber and I was sitting there thinking about how much fun they would have together. I thought about that awesome video of her in the supergirl outfit taken in this room. Zack took this picture and look at the orb surrounding my son. Maybe THIS is the closest he gets to taking a picture with her.

We know she is still here and we are so glad for that, but knowing we will feel this way forever is hard to swallow. Like Zack said the other day. . . we are just hollow. No matter the good we can gain from it, give to others, help in any way. . . we are allowed to be sad and we are allowed to dwell on the fact that it just sucks without her and nothing can fix it. Nothing will ever change the fact that we had this beautiful perfect little person, my best friend, come into our lives, capture our hearts and then be taken away by a stupid disease leaving us broken and unable to ever feel true happiness again.

Sometimes I think about seeing her again and after I've held her for a year, still feeling mad about not having her here to raise and to love and to do all the girly things that I will forever miss out on.

I feel alone a lot of the time. My boys do boy things and I am left alone. It's no one's fault, but it is something I will just have to get used to I guess. It will only get worse as the boy gets older and does car things or whatever with Zack and I go shopping . . . alone.

Most of the time her life and her beauty is in the forefront of our minds, but lately her death has been haunting me. I replay it in my mind and relive some of the awful memories no mother should have. I am having nightmares again.

I am trying to hold on to the good. It is there- I have to grab it again. Right now I just want everyone to leave me alone and not want anything from me. I feel sick and my heart hurts and no one understands but Zack. And he is broken too. My sweet husband. At least we have learned how to handle each other's grief. He surprises me. He can just look at me and know that I am sad about Alexa. He says there is something in my face that only he can see. I guess something so deep and painful registers itself physically.

I want my girl back. I want to touch her hair and hold her hand. I want to see her playing with Zachary and hear them laughing together and her say, "Oh brodder. Nu crazy." I want to hear her say again, "I made my brother smile". I want him to have his sister and I want my husband to have Daddy's little girl back. Most of all I selfishly want my only love back- my daughter. The one I dreamed of and wanted all my life. The one who came to us first and was exactly what I wanted- a beautiful princess that could kick butt! She was the greatest thing to ever live.